This week is being a roller coaster, and I
think it’s time I tell you why. Last Thursday I finally decided I want a change
in my life. I’ve been overweight for the past 10 years, and I’m tired of the looks
that every person that I see on the street sends me (remember that I live in a
very, very small town where everybody knows each other). I not only see the
looks that strangers give me, but also the looks of my family and friends,
specially the former group. I know they care about me and when they repeat each
and every time they see me that I should start losing weight it’s for my own
benefit, but I am fed up with it, especially at how they tell me that I am fat. I know I am, and I don’t need my extended
family to remind me every single day of that (and most of the times in awful
ways), do I? To prevent my anger from exploding in their faces and from
shouting all kinds of insults at them I’ve followed the strategy of ignoring
them when they talk to me about weight loss for the past five or six years.
But no more.
I finally decided that I want this change. I’m
aware that I’ve tried hundreds of times, always with a nutritionist (it’s
dangerous to do it on your own, especially the first times and especially if
you have a small willpower), and it always failed. Or rather, I
always failed. I made up excuses, justified myself, kept thinking “only this
one time” when the temptation to grab a piece of chocolate or to eat a piece of
bread with Nutella was too strong to keep it under control.
I am also aware that this is not only an issue
of losing or not losing weight, it’s also a change of attitude, which I never
cared about before. I’ll explain. For many years (ever since I started doing
diets when I was around 12) I’ve believed that I have such a small willpower that
I get tired, bored, and lose interest in diets after a few months. Also, for
many years I’ve been constantly insulted by the people who, apparently, loved
and respected me. Both family and acquaintances looked down on me and kept
repeating me how hideous, unworthy, fat and disgusting I was. That was a long
time ago and I don’t let that consciously affect me anymore. But I have the
suspicion that, unconsciously, these thoughts are a great barrier that prevents
me from getting my goal.
And I also think that these horrible thoughts
connect with the apparent small willpower that I have. Perhaps it’s not that I
have small willpower, perhaps is that these thoughts are acting as an
unconscious barrier against what I really want (whatever the reasons, I don’t
know). Every time I try a new diet I get those horrible feelings and thoughts
of how unworthy I am and how incredibly I’m going to fail, and not only in this
aspect but in several other aspects of my life. Failure has become something
both terrible and usual in my life, and that, I think, is the proof of how
unworthy and unlovable I am. All of this happens unconsciously, but I think these
thoughts are getting stronger and stronger with every time I try to do
something and I don’t succeed; and I have the proof when, before taking a
shower, I look at myself naked in the mirror and I have to take my eyes off it because
I can’t stand the sight. In these moments I ask myself how do I have the shame
to go out and let people see the mess I am, and how people can stand the sight
of me if I can’t even stand it myself.
All these thoughts are dangerous, especially
when this is the only body I have and I have to live with it my whole life.
That’s why I know that I need to commit in heart and soul for this. Not only to
actually lose weight (which implies eating smart and staying active, something
that I’m not used to do), but also to stay positive and motivated no matter how
hard it gets. I have a long way ahead, 30kg (or 66lb) is an awful lot of fat to
reduce and this is not going to be accomplished in two or three months. I know
that and I know that I need to work both on the weight loss and the new
positive state of mind that I need for this to be accomplished.
So this is my commitment to you, person who is
reading this, and to myself. Because I deserve better than these awful thoughts
of myself, and because I deserve better than the disapproving looks people give
me, both stranger and non-stranger. I deserve better than that, and I need to
believe in it.
Thank you for reading,
Melissa.
PS: Visit Dan Flatt's blog about how he's doing with his own diet. He's great! Keep it up, Dan!
PS: Visit Dan Flatt's blog about how he's doing with his own diet. He's great! Keep it up, Dan!
